Are You Living Constructively?
We make decisions every day for everything. Active choices are needed to fulfill basic biological needs, tasks for work, social interactions, and leisure activities. We make choices that we think will improve our lives. However, we can also face dilemmas or get trapped in repeated self-sabotaging behaviours. So, what counts as ‘constructive’?
First, let me introduce you to two neural circuits in the brain that influence behaviour (Garcia, 2010). The first is called the “Behavioural Activation System” or BAS. This motivates the pursuit of appealing things like rewards or the end of unpleasant sensations. The reward-seeking behaviour is noticeable when someone asks you why you ate or did something and you simply said, “It’s nice” or “it felt good”. The (over)simplified sequence is: Reward comes to mind → BAS is activated → Person performs reward-seeking behaviour.
On the other hand, the Behavioural Inhibition System (BIS) reacts to punishment, the absence of a reward, or a lack of novelty. It works by discouraging behaviours that lead to those negative things. In essence, the (over)simplified sequence is: Punishment/lack of reward or change comes to mind → BIS is activated → The behaviour(s) leading to them are discouraged.
Evaluating the constructiveness of our actions is simple when we’re talking about food. Decisions are about abstract things or future events like relationships, career paths, study choices, or financial planning are much harder to make. We never know everything we need to definitely get what we want. Such omniscience would be nice — I’d like to know if I’ll strike the lottery — but that’s actually wishful thinking. Instead, here’s a simple question you can ask yourself when making choices:
Am I doing this out of Aspiration or Desperation?
The Cambridge dictionary defines aspiration as “something you hope to achieve”. We tend to think of it positively, like a better job, a higher degree, and a better life in general. We plan, work hard, and ask for help. The journey may not always be pleasant but we push on because the anticipated reward is worthwhile. This sort of motivation brings us to a better life. Unless you’re perfectly contented where you are in life, you’re probably holding some aspiration close to heart — something that gets your BAS fired up!
The same dictionary defines desperation as “the feeling that you have when you are in such a bad situation that you are willing to take risks in order to change it” or “the feeling of needing or wanting something very much”. We tend to use the word when we feel negative emotional pressures. For example, ‘desperately’ trying to avoid looking bad in front of other people. A desperate action tends to bring us from a negative state to a neutral state (from ‘oh no!’ to ‘phew’), as the negative state is averted. It does not bring usually bring us to a positive state.
Desperation can make us act in ways that later hurt us. For example, we may decide against breaking up with a toxic partner because we fear loneliness. The BIS discourages the breakup to avoid the anticipated negative feeling. Beyond the BIS, desperation can also make us do things that we later regret, such as compulsively clicking ‘add to cart’ for that brief reprieve from sadness. Two months later, you’re not happier and there’s a pile of expensive items wasting in a corner. In fact, the credit card bill is making you sad. Shopping like this is not ‘self-care’ anymore — it’s self-sabotage.
These scenarios of aspiration and desperation are not hypothetical. They can, respectively, lead to good mental health or emotional disorders that need professional help to resolve. I have helped many people who experienced depression and anxiety as they tried to balance their aspirations and desperations constructively.
Here’s a simple equation to decide if you’re acting constructively in daily life:
Some introspection and planning can keep your constructiveness ratio in the positive. Talk to a psychologist if you need help (and everyone does at some point, even the psychologist!). We only have one life — doesn’t it make sense to make it the best it can be?
Reference: Garcia, J.A.B. (2010). Activity of the behavioural activation system and the behavioural inhibition system and psychopathology. Annuary of Clinical and Health Psychology, 6, 57-60.
